based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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