Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It's blow job season.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
