Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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