I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
