This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
