Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
