Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You were trust falling into bushes
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
