Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
