you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
