I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
