I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
