time to smoke my breakfast
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
