there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
