I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize