Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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