My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
