no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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