Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
