This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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