It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
