I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
