My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
