She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
