Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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