We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
