Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
