I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
