Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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