just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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