I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
