Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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