If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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