dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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