he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
