I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
