i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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