i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
