I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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