Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
