I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
