2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
