On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
