do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
