I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
