I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
