I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
