Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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