Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
