I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I would fuck him just for his dog
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
