I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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