I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
