I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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