Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
