did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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