I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
