The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
