sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
