The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
