Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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